Toxic Masculinity (How it plays a part in lesbian culture.)

In the media, we are used to being exposed to heterosexuality as the norm. Since that is the case, it has influenced us to go to those same standards. Even though we are rebelling against the gender roles society gives them, we are still following that same setup uniquely. Usually, in the Lesbian community, certain couples are accepted, such as a fem dating fem or a stud dating fem. But one type of couple that is not excepted is a stud dating a stud. Whenever I would ask why that is, they would automatically verbally attack the situation. I was surprised that they were saying the slurs that sounded the type of slurs straight people would use against them. Why is that the case? People seem to have an interest in couples that fit the heterosexual norm. Since society praises that image, it has been systematically ingrained in them to follow heteronormative standards. In the article ‘Stud for stud’ and the evolution of black Atlanta lesbian dating from Dionne Walker, she discusses black lesbian culture and the problems that come with it.

“Heteronormative gender roles are a signature of lesbian circles, influencing everything from body language to the hairstyle. In the love department, dapper studs date sultry femmes, according to decades-old cultural rules that have a particularly strong foothold among black LGBT women.”

How can you blame us when following the footsteps that society has given us? People have not been accepting of our lifestyle as a whole. It can get scary when people are losing their lives over it. You start to get permanently scared from those experiences and feel trapped in a system that does not understand you. What can they do but try to look out for themselves? The article 6 Points to Consider When Asking Why Queer Women Date Masculine Women “Instead of Just Dating a Guy” explains my point further.

“Some of us have to risk our safety, relationships with family members, jobs, and housing just to publicly peel back the sexual orientation or gender that was assigned to us and declare our truth. Mainstream culture doesn’t reflect the reality of so many of our lives, but everything is compared to its norms. And that’s why the question at hand exists.”

We are already putting ourselves on the line just for being ourselves. We cannot help the fact that people follow the norm. Do you blame them for not wanting to struggle more than they already have? For years people have dated others to gain acceptance. They try to survive even if it means sacrificing their own happiness.

When you are a woman, the system is known for putting your needs last. It is also a battle women have to face. Since we are in a man's world, the one thing that they value is power and respect. Women who live in that world try to emulate that power cis men have. But it is what they do with that power we need to be asking. The article 6 Points to Consider When Asking Why Queer Women Date Masculine Women “Instead of Just Dating a Guy" shows lesbians involved in toxic masculinity.

“The reality is that masculine woman – just like anyone else masculine – can adapt and perform toxic masculinity. Even if masculine women weren’t socialized from birth to embody toxic masculinity like most cisgender men are, with masculine privilege, they can acquire and replicate misogyny without even realizing it.”

If you were in a place of privilege, would you take advantage? Of course, especially when you have to deal with the struggles of being a Lesbian, anyone would choose a side that feels is beneficial for them. But is it the right thing to do? For others, it isn’t. As human beings, it is very normal for someone to abuse power. Individuals will do anything to feel more dominant than anybody else. In the article 6 Points to Consider When Asking Why Queer Women Date Masculine Women “Instead of Just Dating a Guy,” you see them explain why masculine women continue with this toxic cycle.

“This can be a difficult thing to navigate and come to terms with because sometimes masculine women feel a lot of pressure to “size up” to mainstream masculinity and cisgender men. Why? Because as I’ve mentioned before, everything is compared to societal defaults (whiteness and heterosexuality), so the more you deviate from these norms, the more oppression you’re likely to face daily. “

When you are trying to compete with the standards of masculinity, it can make you feel very insecure about your own. Sometimes when people second guess themselves, they have ways of dealing with it. Most of them lash out instead of analyzing the situation and finding the problem. They hardly think straight and go off of emotion and ego. But that does not always have to be the case whenever handling the oppression you face. 6 Points to Consider When Asking Why Queer Women Date Masculine Women Instead of Just Dating a Guy, suggests a different approach.

“We must unlearn gender norms, de-centralize heterosexuality, and whiteness, and practice positive sexuality – one step at a time.”

It takes an entire village to find new practices to benefit the community. But we must hear each other out to find the solution to the problem. We must go out on a limb and do better for the sake of our happiness and stop caring what other people think. Instead of dating what is acceptable, date the person you like. There is no need to put on a show for anybody. As long as you are happy, it should not matter.