Toxic Parenting within Families of Color. The Difference between Discipline and Abuse.

When I was growing up, the person who was head of the household was always right in any situation. I usually would shrug it off and blame it on myself. We all need our parents to help us get our shit together. But there is a better way of handling the situation.


It has come to the point where it is ok to be downright unnecessary towards your children. Don't get me wrong some kids nowadays need to be straightened out. But when are we going to draw the line saying that this is way too far? Let's be clear, having to experience the number of low blows on a giving basis myself, has put permanent emotional damage over the years. I had to find out what was causing this to continue.


It seems to me that I was experiencing a common theme in my life growing up. That theme was emotional and verbal abuse. My entire life, I would never even think about being abused. I just thought it was how the other person knew how to communicate. But it all came to me when I started to speak about my experiences with my therapist. Even with her, she felt the situation was toxic.




I knew I was in a sticky situation because it is easy when it is just someone you date and you can find the courage to walk away. But with a family member, it is different because they will always be a part of your life. So, I was deeply affected by this toxic relationship in my life. I knew I had to do something to get better. I do not want this type of relationship with my own children. So, I had to do the work on myself and realize I’m not alone. If you look at social media, parents in the black community are known to express their discipline in a very vulgar way. They do things such as not only whoop their kids on camera but also straight-up embarrass them.



When you depend on the other person financially, they are the ones that make the rules and always have the last say. In the black community, you see a lot of parents take on that role. There is a lot of people who are known for having parents like this, so I did my research. Within my research I found the signs of toxic parenting, those are overreacting to situations, comparing you to other people, always in competition with you, controlling every aspect of your life, never taking responsibility for your actions, and disregarding your feelings.





1. Never take responsibility for their actions and disregard your feelings


In their eyes, only their opinion matters. In an argument, they feel like they must have the upper hand in the situation. The article called 20 Signs You Might Have a Toxic Parent by Robyn Reich, discusses how sometimes toxic parents only care about their feelings. “In your childhood home, your parents’ feelings were given much more weight and importance than your own.” You are dealing with someone who caters to their ego. Toxic parents love catering to their feelings. When they didn't feel like someone cared about their emotions a long time ago, they try to seek it somewhere else.







2. Constantly compare you to other people



In those situations, it can be easy for that person to pick on your flaws and make you feel less than. When they do that, they tend to feel better about themselves. One common theme the abuser decides to do all the time is to compare you to other people. Robyn Reich's article, it explains the way criticism affects the child. “You feel as though your parents would behave differently if you were somehow smarter, more successful, or better behaved.” When toxic parents feel terrible about themselves, they also look at themselves and start to compare to others. It is normal to spread that hate on to you. Do not take it personally because if they're hurting, they want you to hurt too.




3. Always in competition with you




When toxic parents criticize you, there is something else that is underneath the service. They have a busload of insecurities and feel like they must prove they are the best. In the article, 15 signs you have a toxic parent, they explain when parents start to compete with their kids. "Not only do they always need to be right, but they also act as they compete with you. So, instead of cheering you on and being happy for your successes, they try to one-up you, diminish your accomplishments, or ignore you." You will see this happen a lot with toxic parents. Once they see you, they automatically see a younger version of themselves. Since they are no longer that age, they feel you have something they don't. Even if it's your skin color or weight, they will always feel as if they are not good enough unless they come out on top.




4. Control every aspect of your life




When they have you exactly where they want you, they tend to showcase their controlling qualities. It depends on the relationship with the person whenever it comes out. In the article by Sharon martin, you see her pointing out how toxic parents controlling ways can be. “They want to tell you what to do when to do it, and how to do it. Toxic parents always want to have the upper hand. Guilt and money are common ways they exert power and control.” As you can see in the quote, toxic parents love to be in a position where they are in control. They love being the main factor in your life. Even if it’s turning you into the child that they wanted you to be, having you in that space fills a void that they also seem to lack as well. Don't get me wrong; parents need to have a certain amount of control over their kids. But it all depends on how you use that control.




5. Overreacting to situations




When the controlling behavior starts to form, you see them also exaggerating certain situations. But when it gets out of control, we need to know how to identify it. The article called “15 toxic things parents do”, explains my point. “Toxic parents will exaggerate the situation to flip it around. Parents who overreact tend to be emotionally reactive and have difficulties expressing their emotions.” You will see this common theme happen all the time with Caribbean parents in general. Whenever it is time to communicate with their child, they feel being aggressive get things done. Based on how you phrase your message, people can take it the wrong way. Some people do not know how to express their emotions. A lot of parents of color did not grow up in an environment where confronting their own emotions is ok. People thought you were crazy if you went to therapy. That does not mean you cannot try to start something new for your family in the future. Always try something new because your communication will get better once parents learn how to express their emotions more healthily.











Whenever there is trauma that someone is experiencing at home, it tends to reflect on how they interact with others. In the article six effects of toxic parenting, you see my point explained. “According to a study done in 1998, researchers discovered that people who are exposed to toxic parenting consistently are more likely to develop generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).” We fail to realize once you have a bad relationship with either the mom or dad, it affects the judgment you have on people. The relationship with our parents is our first interaction on how to deal with people in general. Once that experience does not go well, it can influence habits you have when in a relationship.




Since your mom or dad was this type of person, you assume that a specific gender is just like that when it is not always the case. I can remember having social anxiety at one point growing up. I was always afraid to be in big groups because I felt I was being ignored. I started to talk down to myself based on what a family member said. The more I thought about it, the more I became insecure about it. When you start to listen to what people say, you lack confidence when speaking to them because you feel people see your flaws. That causes you to be more anxious and scared of communicating with others.




When anxiety starts to kick in, you tend to stress about anything. It all consistently gets in your head, to the point where you are terrified of everything. In the article called six side effects of toxic parenting; you see the causes of anxiety. “The more abusive your parents are, whether it’s emotional or physical, the more likely you are to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Abuse causes people to be more alert and on their toes because they anticipate more danger in the future.” Here is the problem with unhealthy relationships in black families. We are known for having an honest yet harsh approach when it comes to communicating with our kids. Since they had to put up with this approach in their childhood, they expect their kids to do the same. Those actions cause an unhealthy reaction that stops their growth as an individual.




If the parents are not careful, this can also be their children's behavior. This situation can only get worse if people do not handle it. The article, seven relationship problems children with toxic parents struggle with by JR Thorpe, explains my point further. “They are our most dominant models of behavior from a young age, and consequently can leave a deep impression on us, which can create a tendency to seek out the same patterns of relationship.” If you are around someone most of your life, you pick up certain behaviors. At the end of the day, all the kid’s parents are role models. Anything is possible once you pass on unhealthy toxic habits down the line.




Overall, we all do not have perfect families. Every day families are dealing with their struggles. It is up to us as Caribbean people to acknowledge the fact that mental issues need to be taken care of as soon as possible. You can end up taking all your anger out on your child and not even notice it. We are all raised a certain way. As usual, parents want what's best for their children. But they should keep in mind what works and what doesn't. Do not take this article the wrong way. I am not bashing all parents. I want you guys to understand that you were once a child at some point. Knowing the relationship with your parents and having aspects that worked didn't work. It should give you a whole new approach to your and your child's relationship. We all must take care of our physical and mental health because you never know who it affects.